And yet, and yet…

Sometimes the vulnerability hurts as a minister.

Recently going to a doctor’s appointment, I learned much to my chagrin that LDL cholesterol level was at 397, which is double what a healthy number should be. With family history of issues in particular with LDL cholesterol, I’ve had to make some pretty stark and immediate changes, particularly to my diet.

Initially, I took it with a firm grasp. I did the shopping and meal planning. I started eating salads regularly. I began taking a statin. I dramatically lowered my daily caloric intake. I resumed exercise. I’m doing the work.

In the midst of this I went through the normal grumpy dieting aspect. I’ve been a grouch, exhausted, and highly irritable. But as the week went on, I realized that my response was not just being “hangry.” Ultimately, I came to the startling understanding of how I had been using food to cope. What I thought was just a basic lack of self control was rather a way to distract my mind and body from the depression that hovers just beneath the surface.

Upon taking away the crutch of large deep-dish pepperoni pizzas and multiple bowls of chips and salsa, I began to feel the ache of the longer depression. I felt the fatigue of years of acceleration in ministry. I felt the pain of watching people in our fellowship that I care about fading away due to age. I felt the impatience of hopes that I want to see develop that are slow in coming. I felt the stress of having a three year old in the house. And all of this came pouring into the gap. Where the ice cream departed, in came the reality.

I’ve got some things to work through in the coming days. By removing the crutch of overeating, I’m challenged to lean in to prayer and trust. In my case, this isn’t a diet, it’s dark days aching for revival.

Friend, I don’t know what you need to detox from. What is it that you apply when the pain hits so that you don’t have to face the grief, the fatigue, the pain? What is it that we use to cope that binds us away from the healing that really brings hope.

I minister and feed others; and yet, I starve myself of the Spirit. How can we grow together today in our need?